13
So anyway, I mustn’t lose my drift,*
    I €ink I’ll need to travel forward* in time.
(It’s not £e last occasion £at I’ll $ift
    £e temporal framework to produce a rhyme.
I’d ra£er put up wi£ some tensual rift*
    £an sound like Sondheim* doing pantomime.*)
Okay,* so now it’s two €ousand and eight,
(‘It is’ just makes it nicer to narrate);

14
Our character’s Tiberius Mercator:
    (I didn’t make him up, I nicked* him from
A book called The Invisible Spectator
    Or else: The Counterfeit of Birmingham.
£e novelist tries to impersonate a
    Distinguished writer,* but can only plumb
£e dep€s of badder-than-bad narrative:
Much badder still than that comparative.

15
But bad is good £ese days, and wicked’s ace.
    Kickass* is great, magnificent is dope,*
And hectic’s doper;* dark is glorious
    And phat is fit, dead nasty’s what we hope
A biatch is; chilled out’s a state of grace;
    And even £e dog’s bollocks is a trope
For some€ing unexceptionably* fine:
It’s all about £e flip-side of £e coin.*

16
Which is quite apt, considering £e fact
    £at $ady coins are what I’m on about:
Specifically, £e way £ey counteract
    Our ideology to cast in doubt
£e single-minded* way we all transact
    Our lives by stamping one-eyed logic out.*
£at sounds far-fetched and dull as any€in,
But look at all £e places coins have bin,*

17*
£e heady tales of fortune £ey could spin.*
    If all £e queens on one-pound coins could speak
£ey’d have an inkling* of £e state we’re in.*
    £ey’ve got a vantage point from which to peek
At certain fantasies £at underpin
    £is blinkered monarchy, to see how weak
It is, despite its pompous institutions.
Perhaps £ey could suggest a few solutions…

18*
Some people €ink a sexual scandal could
    Destroy £e country’s royal lineage,
But scandal doesn’t do us any good.
    £e rumour-mill’s* a kind of patronage,
Promoting rich celebrities who $ould
    Be stripped of power, property and privilege.
You don’t bring down £e crown by dropping hints
About a butler fingering a prince.*

19*
Who cares for christsake? Let £em have £eir plea$ure.
    If Charlie Windsor gets £e plumber in
To fix a leaky tap, and maybe mea$ure
    His standpipe,* and move on to tinkering*
Around £e riser* to relieve £e pre$ure
    Within £e royal hose, is £at a sin?*
£e crime we $ould indict £ese people for
Is claiming sovereignty above £e law.

20
I reckon £ey $ould be a docu-soap:*
    We let £em keep £e palace, but we rig
£e joint* wi£ mikes and cameras in £e hope
    £ey’ll entertain us; we could earwig*
And put £eir lives under £e microscope
    As often as we want — like Royal Big
Bro£er:* £at’d kick up a furore.
But anyway, I’ll get back to my story.)