˝
(This poem’s going out to Andrew Motion,
Who couldn’t tackle ‘Johnny Wilkinson’.
Perhaps I haven’t any right to question
What England’s rhyming Rumplestiltskin’s done,
But, Andy, couldn’t you best serve the nation
By sticking poems of that ilk in some
Recycling bin for use as royal bogroll?
Then you could really lick arse with your doggerel.)
Łe Birmingham Quean*
1
I want a heroine, a common one:*
Not quite as trailer-tra$ as Bonnie Tyler,*
And no€ing crass, like a Mancunian,*
But not a princess eiŁer. I’ll compile a
Quick list, I €ink, like Byron in Don Juan.*
(Łat’s ‘¥wan’* not ‘Ju-an’, which is even viler,
And might permit a foreign audience
To €ink all Engli$men are stupid cunts.*
2
We are, of course. Ask anyone from Spain*
Who’s seen Łe lager-lads* descend on El
Candado:* football fans* fucked out their brain* —
All pulling moonies* in Łe Don’s Hotel
And puking calimari* down Łe drain:
AnoŁer Helicon becomes anoŁer Hell.*
I sound all $ocked-and-stunned but Łen I’m pissed*
Myself… I €ink I’ll get back to Łat list.)
3
Dame Edna, Lily Savage, Danny LaRue,*
The Lady Chablis, Rupaul and Divine:
Łey had Łe fifteen minutes Łey were due.
And if Łat’s your €ing… well, it isn’t mine.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m into drag, Łat’s true,
But Łese celebrities can wait in line
WiŁ all Łe Beaux-Belles of Les Travestis,
Łe Monsieur-Mariannes* of Gay Paris,
4
And all Łose queens who stretched Łe frontier
Of queer* politics, like Charlotte Von
Mahlsdorf and Marsha Johnson, Sylvia
Rivera*, Charlotte Bach and Ray Bourbonne,
Whose feats relived Łe aristeia*
Of Charles Chevalier d’Eon de Beaumont.*
My work can do wiŁout a famous name;
Not even some old hasbeen panto-dame:*
5
Łe Great Suprendo as Łe Widow Twanky,
Or Hinge and Brackett, Joe Grimaldi, Dick
‘I like you’ Emery, or Jimmy Krankie
(I’m not Łat fussy which way round — a chick
In drag’s as capable of hanky panky
As any two-bit* Mrs Shufflewick.*)
But stars don’t get a look-in* in Łis ditty.*
My unsung diva’s from an unsung city.*